Originally, I had wanted to write an entry about the past year, but looking over my posts over the past year, I realized that I haven’t really written about how I’m doing and using this blog for what I originally intended it to be—a medium to really open up to all of you beyond the 140 character tweets on my Twitter. So instead, I’ll be writing—from the heart—about how I’m doing and several significant revelations I had over the past year.
Currently, I’m writing from my bed in San Diego, having spent a week at home, and I’m feeling like a contradiction of sorts. On one hand, I find myself eager to get back to LA in the coming days because in a way, 2012 has been a year of heavy preparation for what I feel is coming in 2013; yet, I’m scared. Mostly, I’m scared I’ll fail—coming short of not only the hopes and expectations that others have for me, but those I hold for myself.
As great of a year 2012 has been, it’s had its fair share of troubles and heartache: I got eliminated from The Glee Project; I went through a period where I had to really evaluate whether this is what I truly wanted to do in spite of the instability and uncertainty this industry provides; my dad’s health continued to deteriorate; and a lot of my friendships and relationships were weathered, many of them not surviving the storm.
I think many of us don’t like sharing these sides of us, especially when you want to “make it”. After all, why would you want to present a visage of someone who is incredibly flawed and fearful just like everybody else when they very goal you’ve set for yourself is so stand out? But that’s who I am: I am flawed; I do possess fears and insecurities; and it’s not always as glamorous and perfect as things may seem or be construed to be. However, not only have I grown to be okay with that, but I’m okay with sharing those sides with all of you because regardless of whatever fear or uncertainty I may have about the future, you can damn well believe that it won’t stop me in the slightest from continuing on forth with every fiber of my being.
That’s fearlessness (to me). It’s not the absence of fear itself, but moving on in spite of whatever fears may lie before you. Because it’s that important. Because you love it that much.
People close to me keep telling me that they feel like 2013 will be a big year for me. I agree. I await every victory and “defeat” eagerly because ultimately, as long as I try my best, I know that what’s meant to happen will happen and what’s meant to be mine will be mine—and I couldn’t be more excited.
So happy new year, everyone. I hope you make this year everything you want it to be. And trust me when I say that you will be hearing and seeing me a lot more this year than the last.